Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Wear Clean Underwear. Public Service Announcement #1

Warning! Shallow Water. No Diving Allowed

Summer is upon us, and I thought I'd share some of my family wisdom with you. This is a Public Service Provided To You By Flash Fiction.

1. Wear clean underwear on road trips. If there's an accident, you wouldn't want the emergency crew to have to cope with besmirched skivvies.

2. Don't forget sunscreen on the tops of feet and the part on your head. (Or the entire head, if bald.)

3. Don't wear baseball caps all of the time, they eventually make you bald because they wear your hair out.

4. Don't sit on strange toilet seats; you might catch something. Put those squat exercises from the gym to use.

5. Don't pee by the side of the road. Police have radar urine detectors and they are bound to show up and catch you in the act.

6. If you're caught in an undertow, swim parallel to shore. If you make no headway, let it take you out a bit and try again. Contrary to popular belief, undertows do not extend for thousands of miles; you will not wash up on shore in a strange country. (If it were so, I'd put on a life vest, pack a styrofoam cooler, and throw myself in the Atlantic.)

7. Don't walk barefoot on hotel floors. People do terrible things on hotel floors.

8. Pack some clothes you don't particularly like. That way, after you've worn them you can throw them away before returning home. More room for souvenirs, less laundry to do.

9. Always pack anti-diarrheal meds. Someone WILL need them at some point, and it will be when the stores are closed.

10. When you get home, tell everyone what a great time you had. They don't need to know that you fought the whole time, the kids drove you crazy, or you gained 15 pounds.

All of that will be perfectly obvious.

Thank you for your patronage, and have a great summer.

*There is no featured blogger today, as someone might be offended by being forever associated with the words "underwear" or "skivvies".

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  1. Great tips! I always bring slippers when we travel becaue of the hotel floor thing. So gross! The floors in Las Vegas are the worst.

  2. Haha! I love the 'don't pee by the side of the road' one. Fantastic!

  3. Standing at the edge of the Atlantic as I type this, bright yellow inflatable duckie life preserver around my (not-so-tanned) body.

    *Head drops, shoulders sag*

    You mean to tell me I CAN"T get to the Bahamas this way?

  4. Ah, good old No.1, uh, let me rephrase that. I remember hearing the same advice about underwear. Somehow it would possibly lead to people talking in a derogatory manner about me if I was taken to the hospital and had dirty or holey (not holy) underwear. I have since added shaving my legs to that.

  5. Note to self: In next life, never wear a baseball cap.

  6. And don't forget to put sunscreen on your ears! :P

  7. I like those tips! Yes, sunscreen on feet. They burn bad!

  8. Practical tips! My favorites, and the ones I'd probably not forget are #1,5 and 10.

    @Scott Niven: your comment just made me laugh out loud. but it's true, so spread the word about those caps!:D

  9. Good tips especially about the underwear. Loved the read. you also have a great summer.


  10. LOL! I don't even walk barefoot in my own house - and I know what's (probably) there:-)

  11. Some good advice there, but #3 is a complete fallacy. I still have all the hair that got worn out by my baseball caps. It's the hair on top of my head, which always had a half-inch or more of breathing room, that's taking it's leave. Must be from all those beanies I wore the rest of the time...

  12. That is brilliant advice! I like the hotel floors advice best, I will remember that!

  13. Thank you for all the great tips. I'm certain my summer will be safer and better for it. Although, I was planning to get to Ireland via the undertow, so I guess now I need to make a new vacation plan. Darn!

  14. funny, kind of silly indeed.
    well done,

  15. I love these helpful hints. Heard the first one at a young age, and it seems to be lodged in my mind. Funny stuff!

    Here's my offering for thsi first Funny Bunny Friday:

  16. great tips - giggled my way through a few 0f them.

  17. lovely hints, well put.

    Thanks for sharing.

  18. Hi Purple - yeah, kind of silly but with a grain of truth here and there!

    @Marbles - I think everyone's heard the clean underwesr thing - i'd love to know who's Mother originated it. Hope to visit you soon, I'm dreadfully behind in visits. ;-)

    @Jo - good. I love to give giggles once in a while.
    @Cello - thank you for stopping by!

  19. Okay! I wondered how you'd come across my poem. This was the first time I'd submitted to the Funny Bunny Friday. I'm a very active blogger, so this one was already waaay back there in my memory bank. (My memory bank is more like a worn shoe box, if ya know what I mean.) In any case, hope to see you again when you get caught up!

  20. For number four, you could wipe down the toilet seat before sitting on it.

    1. True. Most places now have those nifty disposable seat covers!