Please read instructions thoroughly before using tape. Not for use on children or infants in beauty pageants.
You Will Need:
One roll of DUK tape. (Those over six feet tall/200lbs. might need two.)
Scissors
An assistant
1. To improve posture: have assistant cut four strips of tape, approximately 12 inches long. Stand up straight, shoulders back. Starting with left shoulder, have assistant apply tape from top of shoulder to just beneath shoulder blade on back. Make sure it is tight and smooth. Apply second strip next to it. Apply remaining two strips to right shoulder in same fashion. Congratulations! You are on your way to perfect posture. Every time you lean forward or slump, the tape will begin to tear a layer of skin off, reminding you to keep those shoulders back! As an added bonus, you will soon learn to gracefully bend your knees and lower yourself to pick something up, instead of bending over with your posterior in the air.
2. Instant Boob Job: No more bras! Keep those cutlets under wraps with a few squares of tape and wear that strapless dress with confidence! Nature left you a little shortchanged? Build them up with multiple layers of tape. Men: you may find using larger horizontal strips around the entire chest and back area works better to contain those manboobs. As an added bonus, after removal you'll be smooth and hairless for your mate!
3. Instant Face Lift: Facing the mirror, place the fingertips of each hand on your cheekbones, just below the ear. Push skin back toward the ear. See those lines around your mouth disappear? Just gather that excess skin below the ear and, using a small strip of duct tape, fasten it to the skin behind the ear. Do this every night, before going to sleep, and in weeks you'll see those lines disappear. Tip: do this before going to that class reunion or big party you've been waiting for. Just make sure to arrange your hair carefully in a face-framing manner.
Disclaimer: DUK Tape is manufactured by DoitUrselfKompany and is in no way affiliated with any other brand of tape with a similar name.
Warranty: DUK warrants this tape and all parts thereof, as set forth below:
Only to original purchaser for 24 hours.
What You Must Do For Warranty Service: Post pictures of yourself using the tape correctly on our website. We will also need copies of your Bill Of Sale, completed warranty repair request form, all of the accessories which came with your purchase, a cashier's check for $50USD to cover handling, shipping, and restocking fees, and a signed affidavit stating that you will not post negative feedback on our website, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat, or any other social media platform. Failure to provide any of these will nullify your warranty.
DUK shall not be liable for any loss of use of the product, loss due to use of the product, inconvenience, or any other damages, whether direct, incidental, or consequential, including but not limited to allergic reaction, hair loss, accidental ingestion, skin loss, excessive skin accumulation on face (sagging jowl syndrome), nipple irritation, nipple loss, ingrown hairs, keloid development, blindness, public humiliation, loss of significant other, mood changes, or murderous/suicidal thoughts.
Thank you for buying DUK Tape!
_________________________________
DISCLAIMER BY AUTHOR! Humorous article. Don't try these things at home, as serious injury could result.
Please do not try and order DUK tape through my website. Unless you want to send me the $50 USD, in which case I'll be happy to help you.
You Will Need:
One roll of DUK tape. (Those over six feet tall/200lbs. might need two.)
Scissors
An assistant
1. To improve posture: have assistant cut four strips of tape, approximately 12 inches long. Stand up straight, shoulders back. Starting with left shoulder, have assistant apply tape from top of shoulder to just beneath shoulder blade on back. Make sure it is tight and smooth. Apply second strip next to it. Apply remaining two strips to right shoulder in same fashion. Congratulations! You are on your way to perfect posture. Every time you lean forward or slump, the tape will begin to tear a layer of skin off, reminding you to keep those shoulders back! As an added bonus, you will soon learn to gracefully bend your knees and lower yourself to pick something up, instead of bending over with your posterior in the air.
2. Instant Boob Job: No more bras! Keep those cutlets under wraps with a few squares of tape and wear that strapless dress with confidence! Nature left you a little shortchanged? Build them up with multiple layers of tape. Men: you may find using larger horizontal strips around the entire chest and back area works better to contain those manboobs. As an added bonus, after removal you'll be smooth and hairless for your mate!
3. Instant Face Lift: Facing the mirror, place the fingertips of each hand on your cheekbones, just below the ear. Push skin back toward the ear. See those lines around your mouth disappear? Just gather that excess skin below the ear and, using a small strip of duct tape, fasten it to the skin behind the ear. Do this every night, before going to sleep, and in weeks you'll see those lines disappear. Tip: do this before going to that class reunion or big party you've been waiting for. Just make sure to arrange your hair carefully in a face-framing manner.
Disclaimer: DUK Tape is manufactured by DoitUrselfKompany and is in no way affiliated with any other brand of tape with a similar name.
Warranty: DUK warrants this tape and all parts thereof, as set forth below:
Only to original purchaser for 24 hours.
What You Must Do For Warranty Service: Post pictures of yourself using the tape correctly on our website. We will also need copies of your Bill Of Sale, completed warranty repair request form, all of the accessories which came with your purchase, a cashier's check for $50USD to cover handling, shipping, and restocking fees, and a signed affidavit stating that you will not post negative feedback on our website, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat, or any other social media platform. Failure to provide any of these will nullify your warranty.
DUK shall not be liable for any loss of use of the product, loss due to use of the product, inconvenience, or any other damages, whether direct, incidental, or consequential, including but not limited to allergic reaction, hair loss, accidental ingestion, skin loss, excessive skin accumulation on face (sagging jowl syndrome), nipple irritation, nipple loss, ingrown hairs, keloid development, blindness, public humiliation, loss of significant other, mood changes, or murderous/suicidal thoughts.
Thank you for buying DUK Tape!
_________________________________
DISCLAIMER BY AUTHOR! Humorous article. Don't try these things at home, as serious injury could result.
Please do not try and order DUK tape through my website. Unless you want to send me the $50 USD, in which case I'll be happy to help you.
That was hilarious!
ReplyDeleteNo manboobs here though...
Oh you crack me up!!! I actually need something to hold my shoulders back due muscle atrophy and was seriously considering the first instruction, lol!!! I hope you get some money out of this one! Big hugs my friend, Robin
ReplyDelete