Tuesday, October 28, 2014

The Horror! There I Was, Trapped On the 4th Floor Balcony... - Memoir

I was out on a friend's 4th story balcony a few weeks ago when the wind blew the door shut. I went to open it and... the knob came off in my hand.

Stuck my fingers in the mechanism to try and turn it - locked.  The words "my heart sank" just do not do justice to the feeling of my innards at that moment.

Crap. Now what.

1. I could've called the building super. IF I had my cell phone. Which I did not.

2. I could've screamed for help. But there was no one around, and this is NY after all. People scream and yell all day and half the night.

3. Passersby MIGHT have paid attention if I yelled "the Giants suck!". Then again they might've thrown bricks at me.

4. Hmmm. I notice the door swings outward. I'll just remove the pins from the hinges and take the door off. That would've worked IF there wasn't 100 years of paint on the hinges and pins. And IF I carried tools around with me, which I generally don't.

5. I might still be out there, cold weak and starving, except that I realized I might be able to use the single window which opens onto the balcony. Normally the windows are all locked, but the AC unit was still in place. Which left ninja kicking the window AC unit until it fell onto the bedroom floor and I could climb in thru the window. 

6. So after I break in, I call my friend. I'm a wee bit upset, and not in the mood to face either NY traffic or the parking situation. He calls me a cab. Cab shows up. There's a petrol truck parked on the ramp in front of the apartment building. Cab has to back up ramp. I open the door and ask if he's the cab to take me to hospital - there are no markings on the side of the car, it just looks like a black Mercedes.  And I'm not inclined to just climb into cars with strange men. (BTW, being from a rural area, this happens to be the first time in my life I've ever taken a cab.) Cab driver says "How should I know? What does it say on the front of the car?" So I bite my tongue and look at the front and it's the correct cab company. I get in and he says bitchily "What would you have done if it was a bigger car that couldn't back up the ramp?

At which point I visualize hopping out, yanking open the driver's door, hauling him out by the neck and kicking his ass. Do I LOOK like a truck driver? Do I LOOK like it's my petrol truck parked there you dumb sh&t? Was it really THAT big a deal for you to have to back your car up 20 feet to pick up a fare? But no, I just sigh and say "I don't know." 

And off we go to the hospital.

For all of those who love NY - great. But I'll take the boondocks any day.


  1. Did that really happen? Holy crap. Glad you got back inside. That would suck. Good thing you didn't scream Yankees suck, or someone would've shot you.

    1. It sure did! Funny story now, but at the time I was pretty stressed out. :)

  2. OMG! I feel for you. Hope you are okay.

    1. I'm fine. And I got a good story out of it! :)