Friday, September 27, 2013

The Perfect Person's Guide To Shopping - #FridayFlash Fiction

My latest painting project is 12 little wood benches, each with a different design.The kittens (I've done 3 different ones) are my favorites so far.

If you're here for Friday Flash it's over at  ReadWave: The Perfect Person's Guide To Shopping. 

Hope that you enjoy it! Have a great weekend.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Coupling, Learning, Dying: The Cinesprit Magazine Launch! #films

Hi all! Some of you may remember fellow writer/blogger Marcus Clearspring from the A to Z Challenges. In fact, he designed those nifty "next blog" buttons. Well, he's launched a brand new magazine called Cinesprit, devoted to all things cinema. Rather than a collection of movie reviews, it's a mix of articles, essays, short may even include screenplays and poetry. The idea is to provide thoughtful discussion on the ways movies affect us, entertain us, even change us.

(In the interests of full disclosure, I've got an article and a short story in the first issue.)

There will also be private forums available for discussions. The more people involved, the better! Got an idea for a submission? Go ahead and make your pitch!

I've included links with coupons; there's 2 articles free to read/listen to (yes, there's excellent audio) as well as introductions to the others. In the first issue:

Movies Are Important Marcus Clearspring

Stilled Life With Movie Lisa Vooght (flash fiction)

Cinema On the Spectrum Lisa Vooght (autism)

Coupling With King and Bergman Joshua Brunsting

Star Wars, Little Rascals and Red Balloons  Marcus Clearspring

True Fiction Fredric Gustafsson

Learning From Movies Robert William Kingett

Hope you enjoy this inaugural issue. And if it's not your cup of tea...well, maybe you could spread the word to your film loving friends and followers?

As always, thanks for stopping by and for your support.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Using Your New DUK Tape Beauty Regimen

Please read instructions thoroughly before using tape. Not for use on children or infants in beauty pageants.

You Will Need:
One roll of DUK tape. (Those over six feet tall/200lbs. might need two.)
An assistant

1. To improve posture: have assistant cut four strips of tape, approximately 12 inches long. Stand up straight, shoulders back. Starting with left shoulder, have assistant apply tape from top of shoulder to just beneath shoulder blade on back. Make sure it is tight and smooth. Apply second strip next to it. Apply remaining two strips to right shoulder in same fashion. Congratulations! You are on your way to perfect posture. Every time you lean forward or slump, the tape will begin to tear a layer of skin off, reminding you to keep those shoulders back! As an added bonus, you will soon learn to gracefully bend your knees and lower yourself to pick something up, instead of bending over with your posterior in the air.

2. Instant Boob Job: No more bras! Keep those cutlets under wraps with a few squares of tape and wear that strapless dress with confidence! Nature left you a little shortchanged? Build them up with multiple layers of tape. Men: you may find using larger horizontal strips around the entire chest and back area works better to contain those manboobs. As an added bonus, after removal you'll be smooth and hairless for your mate!

3. Instant Face Lift: Facing the mirror, place the fingertips of each hand on your cheekbones, just below the ear. Push skin back toward the ear. See those lines around your mouth disappear? Just gather that excess skin below the ear and, using a small strip of duct tape, fasten it to the skin behind the ear. Do this every night, before going to sleep, and in weeks you'll see those lines disappear. Tip: do this before going to that class reunion or big party you've been waiting for. Just make sure to arrange your hair carefully in a face-framing manner.

Disclaimer: DUK Tape is manufactured by DoitUrselfKompany and is in no way affiliated with any other brand of tape with a similar name.
Warranty: DUK warrants this tape and all parts thereof, as set forth below:
Only to original purchaser for 24 hours.
What You Must Do For Warranty Service: Post pictures of yourself using the tape correctly on our website. We will also need copies of your Bill Of Sale, completed warranty repair request form, all of the accessories which came with your purchase, a cashier's check for $50USD to cover handling, shipping, and restocking fees, and a signed affidavit stating that you will not post negative feedback on our website, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Vine, Snapchat, or any other social media platform. Failure to provide any of these will nullify your warranty.
DUK shall not be liable for any loss of use of the product, loss due to use of the product, inconvenience, or any other damages, whether direct, incidental, or consequential, including but not limited to allergic reaction, hair loss, accidental ingestion, skin loss, excessive skin accumulation on face (sagging jowl syndrome), nipple irritation, nipple loss, ingrown hairs, keloid development, blindness, public humiliation, loss of significant other, mood changes, or murderous/suicidal thoughts.

Thank you for buying DUK Tape!

DISCLAIMER BY AUTHOR! Humorous article. Don't try these things at home, as serious injury could result.
Please do not try and order DUK tape through my website. Unless you want to send me the $50 USD, in which case I'll be happy to help you. 

Monday, September 2, 2013

We Were Only Boys - Red & Blue Makes Purple Blogfest

  A story I wrote a little while ago, edited and cleaned up for the blogfest hosted by Melanie Schultz. Stories were limited to 500 words and have a military theme;  proceeds from a future anthology will go to Operation Purple, which helps send kids from military families to camp for free.


     They came and got us at the theater, because that's where the boys were back then. A bus took us straight to the Navy yard where we signed up to defend country, honor and freedom. It seemed a grand adventure. We knew nothing of the lice, the rot, the mud which swallowed men whole.
     I'd seen blood and death. I grew up on a farm and watched Joe Krazinski lose an arm in a thresher. I shot rabbits and deer for the table when the crop failed. I heard Great Grandpa's stories of bodies in heaps at Gettysburg. But he told of rousing battles and glorious cavalry charges; we ended up crawling in muck and suffocating under clouds of gas.
     Out in no man's land was the wreckage of a German plane, the pilot's body still strapped in. The first time I saw him, I was running by full tilt; later, as we stumbled back through the lines, the plane was still there, surrounded by shell holes but miraculously untouched. And that's the way it stayed, day after day, frozen in time. Some of us took to giving him a friendly wave. Somehow the dead pilot took on a miraculous quality to some; fear breeds superstition, and Hans' (for that's what we named him) continuing immunity to complete destruction became a sort of talisman. 
     That winter of 1917 was a bitter one, and yet like all things had its good elements - the cold discouraged vermin, lessened the stink of unburied bodies, and kept fighting limited to skirmishes and sniping. We knew when the weather broke, the mighty engine of war would start up again with its demand for more men to feed it.
     I got it into my head that Hans should be buried. It seemed the right thing to do; but I found most of the company against it. Why risk our lives for the body of an enemy?  I couldn't explain it, not to their satisfaction, not even to my own.
     Spring came, the ground softened, shells bloomed. The front undulated, writhed, melted and re-formed. When the offensive came, it was almost a relief. After hours of shelling we went over the top in wave after wave, carried along by nerve, scrambling over the fallen, driven on by the press of hundreds more behind us.
We were forced back, slowly, painfully, and I found myself running for the safety of our recently despised trenches. A whiff of gas drove me one way, an artillery shell another; dodging like a rabbit, I headed for the one thing which offered cover. The plane.
     There is more to fear from the living than the dead. Immune to most horror by now, I felt only sadness; you could still tell that Hans, like us, had been only a boy.
     In the morning I buried him, then said a little prayer as best I could. And wouldn't you know, later that same day a shell landed on the plane, blowing it to smithereens.